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Author Topic: Thats the last straw  (Read 1663 times)
flonk of the galactic fed
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« on: June 03, 2012, 11:15:41 PM »

I cant find anymore
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Uncle guyguy's Secret Whorehouse
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« Reply #1 on: June 03, 2012, 11:22:09 PM »

A line has been crossed here.

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flonk of the galactic fed
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« Reply #2 on: June 03, 2012, 11:33:07 PM »

When I say something I mean it..there are no straws left have a look yourself.
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« Reply #3 on: June 03, 2012, 11:35:06 PM »

I've got some bendy straws in an array of primary colours.
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Uncle guyguy's Secret Whorehouse
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Get it egged, chap.


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« Reply #4 on: June 03, 2012, 11:35:33 PM »

When I say something I mean it..there are no straws left have a look yourself.

I can see almost 50 straws of varying color, width and bendiness. I guess they could be cats though.
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flonk of the galactic fed
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« Reply #5 on: June 03, 2012, 11:40:04 PM »

Well I can say Ive had enough,I cant take nose more boss Im shaking it boss Im shaking it
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Uncle guyguy's Secret Whorehouse
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Get it egged, chap.


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« Reply #6 on: June 03, 2012, 11:42:53 PM »

Well I can say Ive had enough,I cant take nose more boss Im shaking it boss Im shaking it

I'd love to tell you it'll be fine, but it won't be. The end is near. Fear it.
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American Trilogy
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« Reply #7 on: June 03, 2012, 11:48:09 PM »

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ron_manager
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« Reply #8 on: June 03, 2012, 11:53:13 PM »

Do camels need straws so they can access the water in the hump on their back
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flonk of the galactic fed
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« Reply #9 on: June 03, 2012, 11:55:14 PM »

I wont be back Im done with it, I will take the stairs 10 at a time and boot the door off its hinges.
Do you think I put up with this sort of thing without straws..well I dont.
Anybody who knows me would tell you.

Dramatic thud.

Water just a cool clear glass of water thats all I need

2 more dramatic thuds

ugh
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Get it egged, chap.


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« Reply #10 on: June 04, 2012, 12:25:12 AM »

Ack! Sparkles. HANG HIM.
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flonk of the galactic fed
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« Reply #11 on: June 04, 2012, 12:40:13 AM »

 I some how managed to scramble outta there and holed up at a railway siding to lick my wounds.

Over the coming weeks my hurt seem to heal and everthing suddely came back, but there was pieces missing from the puzzle.. what was I to do?

I had everthing I needed at that railway siding food and a plentiful supply of water..but just then there was a noise I crouched and hid and focused my eyes toward the noise I couldnt make it out but there was a strong smell of alcohol and then a grey cardigan appeared.
Whoever it was had lit a roll up cigarette that smelt like a fine blend of hoss shit and bus tickets.. who was it....  Ridsdale!

I wasnt sure
To be continued.
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« Reply #12 on: June 04, 2012, 12:44:40 AM »

This is only marginally better than Abdul  souey
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Uncle guyguy's Secret Whorehouse
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Get it egged, chap.


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« Reply #13 on: June 04, 2012, 12:48:52 AM »

This is only marginally better than Abdul  souey

Or is it?  lost
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flonk of the galactic fed
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« Reply #14 on: June 04, 2012, 12:59:32 AM »

I watched intently was it ridsdale?
He seemed to be  looking through the debris and flotsam that passengers had discarded..he picked the odd docker up and stuffed it into his cardigan pocket.
Then his face came into focus..it was ridsdale!
He hobbled along tenderly as if hurt and I then noticed he had only one shoe on ..poor bastard I thought.

I was about to break my cover when I heard a second voice, it was slightly incoherent but Im sure I recognised it.

TBC

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American Trilogy
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« Reply #15 on: June 04, 2012, 01:06:31 AM »

 jc monkey
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« Reply #16 on: June 04, 2012, 08:12:12 AM »

I wont be back Im done with it, I will take the stairs 10 at a time and boot the door off its hinges.
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dick dastardly
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« Reply #17 on: June 04, 2012, 08:20:21 AM »

Take not the name of Ridsdale in vain, ye foul and intemperate knaves
for though he may be of bitter and wrinkly countenance
he is yet a fine man
an upstanding man
a champion of the meek and the oppressed
and verily I say unto you he snitcheth not.

alas, we shall not see his like again.


« Last Edit: June 04, 2012, 08:39:19 AM by No More Mr Nice Guy » Logged
flonk of the galactic fed
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« Reply #18 on: June 04, 2012, 08:42:21 AM »









Re: Thats the last straw

Reply #15 on: Today at 12:59:32 AM





I was about to break my cover when I heard a second voice, it was slightly incoherent but Im sure I recognised it.

-----------------------
It was ganja man
Ganja and ridsdale then began to wrestle with each other over the contents of ridsdale pockets, they  both fell to the floor and a loud voice intervened..."lads come on weve come here to do a job"

It was Guy Guy who was holding two baloons in his right hand "stop it now we need to be united in this, its no use fighting with each other"
They both stopped and got to there feet...I stepped out of the shadows "now then" I said
 
The three looked toward me ..ridsdale squinted and then farted.
GuyGuy  "have you seen rodney? he ran away and said he wasnt coming back"
I explained I had done the same thing... ridsdale nodded in approval and rubbed his foot.

Guy Guy was the under orders to get the gang together since the board had collapsed.
Since its demise and in fighting WG Grace had put a plan together, to get Mick, Harry, Rod , Lenin,Ridsdale ,Pile, Notts in fact all of the banned posters from the now up and working FMTTM.

Grace who was the only one with a brain and was once part of the serbian or croatian royal family(cant remember which) had hatched a plot to break into the well guarded FMTTM towers
overcome baddad and rob and get control of the delete thread ban poster buttons.

I gasped as GuyGuy told me the plot ..It was impossible
There was four of us on the mission now and we had to find spluffy who had a bus so we could all go the long way  together to pick Steve up down south .

How will we find spluffy? I asked  ..Ganja pulled out a scruffy piece of paper " I have his address here"
I studied the piece of paper..Thats his IP address dead  ya head.

As we walked along ridsdale explained that he thought he knew were Spluffy lived as he had seen a bloke carrying lots of old egg boxes down borough road.

So that was it.. Our journey and mission had began... but first to the off licence.

TBC



 
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dick dastardly
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« Reply #19 on: June 04, 2012, 08:48:49 AM »

 

brilliant!  I'm literally creased up here.

that's so funny, it could almost be me monkey mick sshhh
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flonk of the galactic fed
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« Reply #20 on: June 04, 2012, 09:17:13 AM »

 We triapsed down to borough road and we soon heard loud music and headed toward it as it it got louder and louder we noticed at its source was parked a no 4 bus, " that must be were spluffy lives I thought"
We forced the door open and made our way to the flat above pressed the bell and Spluffy answered,
"errr hello what can I do for you?"  he invited us in and handed round ear plugs

Guy Guy explained the plot and Spluffy listened while making tea for us all, I noticed the crockery shaking to the beat of the bass music from downstairs.
Spluffy seemed all for it, he went into the next room for a while, ridsdale had took a last swig of white lightening  covered himself in newspaper and passed out.
Spluffy reappeared after around 30 mins with his full bus drivers uniform including the hat, it was comforting to know he was a professional...I noticed he had put foundation make up to cover up what appeared to be black eyes, I questioned him about his injuries but he was evasive and looked away.
Ganja knocked a fat one up and Guyguy nervously played with his ballons... I think the sight of spluffy in his uniform reminded them both of the truant officer they once shared.

After a nap we all decided we needed mick as our next recruit, Ganja sometimes spoke to mick and said he was often down the War on want centre, so that was it .. we loaded the beer and cider onto the bus and set off for Mick.

TBC


 
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« Reply #21 on: June 04, 2012, 09:29:49 AM »

I know who this is and he is doing a damn fine job at entertaining me.

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flonk of the galactic fed
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« Reply #22 on: June 04, 2012, 10:22:21 AM »

 The bus headed down Boro road into union street and along Parliament road, I sensed a feeling of purpose and at ease with myself I stretched out on the spacious bus.
Ridsdale was scouring the floors for dog ends and GuyGuy had put the balloons out of the window and trapped the strings as he closed it, yes this was it... the freedom express.
It was as we went along parly rd that ganja spotted mick walking along with his trusty dog, Mick then disapeared into one of the houses, spluffy did a emergency stop and we all disembarked.

After knocking at the door a large fat headed bloke (like a young patrick moor) answered the door,"What do fxxxxx do you want " he snarled... GuyGuy explained and mick reluctantly let us in.

The rooms seemed dark and dank, prostetic limbs seemed to be positioned all over each room, it was like stepping back into the 30s. Mick then took us into a room full of tinned food and in the corner was a waspy copter.
He explained he had received a dull blow to the head as a youngster and had been seeing stars ever since..it was this he explained where his love of a astronomy came from.
He led us down some stairs and into the basement and searched around for the light switch...as the low voltage lightbulb began to brighten up I noticed a picture of a family all stood outside a fish and chip shop, "who is that?" I asked
"It was my family business, we ran a chip shop for generations and it was the only job I could manage after the head injury I received"...."The Pizza and takeways ran us out of business" He began to sob and put his head in his hands.
We all tried our best to cheer him up ..remarking on how good his collection of ICI overalls and socks was.. and even the fuzzy pictures of the night sky.
After a while and a few drinks he pulled himself together and talked and smiled with ridsdale, it was someone he had always secretly admired and even bandaged his foot up with some sacking.

But the important thing was mick was on board and he may be important if we were to overthrow FMTTM, mick seethed as he spoke of his banning and rubbed some of his chins in bewilderment.

A we set off again we decided ron manager may be a good person to pick up next....
Spluffy headed down parly road ...when he noticed in his mirrors a yellow BMW that seemed to be following us.

TBC
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flonk of the galactic fed
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« Reply #23 on: June 04, 2012, 11:38:01 AM »

Hmm yellow BMW thought spluffy..that can only be one person  and preceded to veer in and out of oncoming traffic.The yellow car persued at great speed but due to spluffys reactions (although dulled with alcohol) the yellow beemer just couldnt keep up..spluffy used the bus lanes to his advantage and soon lost him.
Everyone onboard knew it was ponce, but why was he following them? how did he know their plan?
Whilst parked up at the bus station a safe haven they chatted amongst themselves but it all seemed a bit incoherent and the began to ramble about  disability payments because of the bank holidays.

Someone had to think straight and we had to get to Ron who it seems was an assistant in Housams.Ron was a public spirited type of bloke, who even once had arrested 3 shoplifters in one day.He always had ambition to be manager one day, he was a promising footballer but had bad kness due to grovelling on an almost daily basis  so he went into retail.
Rons problem was plain as the eye could see, he was like a slightly mental ray mallon with a better wig,  sure he didnt always concentrate but FMTTM trusted him and he could be the inside man.

We pulled the balloons back in as not to draw attention to ourselves and slowly pulled up outside Housams.
We all went in barring spluffy who kept the motor running, there wasnt a soul in the shop and Ridsdale began to help himself to the meths and turps making whooping noises as he went along.
I asked him to shush and we listened...there loud kissing noises coming from a cupboard..I opened the door and the Store manager had his pants down and ron was pecking away at his butt smoothering him with kisses.
I grabbed ron by the hand and dragged him onto the bus "no time to explain just get on"
We set off and noticed that rids had shit himself and slipped over...  the turps exploded and there was a large fireball, we reversed up in an instant and pulled ridsdale back on the bus.
Burnt smouldering and not smelling to good rids smiled and offered the meths round, this wasnt going to be an easy task be any means.

TBC
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flonk of the galactic fed
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« Reply #24 on: June 04, 2012, 12:06:03 PM »

Meanwhile on the other side of the world Lenin had been informed of the plan, he wasnt in New Zealand ...he wasnt anywhere near it, he was living on Christmas island were the british had done their nuclear tests.
At the time in the 50s a young lenin replied to the advert of a janitorial assistant and was over the moon to land the job..half expecting santa to be there he was left marooned after a heavy night on the industrial floor cleaner.
He woke up and they had just gone, they dropped parcels for him and kept in touch but he hadnt seen a human for over 50 years
He felt COB was his only existence and longed to be with them and leave the shed that had been his home for years, but how was he going to get off the island? He had eaten most of his belongings and the last chance was to smash his beloved shed up and make a raft.
After many sleepless nights he eventually plucked up the courage and built the raft, he chuckled as he  made it knowing that people would welcome a bloke with such a nice nature with open arms.
He was on his way.
TBC
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flonk of the galactic fed
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« Reply #25 on: June 04, 2012, 12:31:18 PM »

Back at FMTTM towers oooooo was manning the gatehouse, he counted his pencils and arranged them in his favourite order. He browsed through the maplins catalogue and the thompsons local..all was quiet.

Upstairs 259 was turning on the generator and readying the crocodile clips to attach to robs nose, this was a daily occurence and it enabled robs brain to collect more data unfortunately it had horrible disfigured his conk.
In the centre of the room was a series of bear traps, laser beams, and false hand that gave nasty cow bites, these devices sorrounded  the notorious delete ban poster buttons.
The room was decorated with old photographs of Rob and Steve..., and a picture of Bill with alf common
There was one of Lisbon with a charity tin and Bill smiling putting a foreign coin into it.
Good old days they were.

In the basement Roofie and Randygrandad catalogued the old issues of fmttm and Buddy wrote everything down.

They were unaware of the turmoil that was going to happen
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flonk of the galactic fed
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« Reply #26 on: June 04, 2012, 12:46:14 PM »

As the bus made its way to stainton, Guyguy explained the plan to ron. Ron listened and then went on about his favourite authors, Artists,Music,Cheese,Trousers...yak yak fucking yakety yak hour after hour.
We had to stun him for his own sake.

As we pulled up outside we noticed a slight balding fat harry polishing his car, "ow geezers" he said in his best cockney accent.
He was back on shore,  this time of year was good for harry in the north sea..it was tough chasing gulls off the helideck in the winter armed only with a football rattle, but he was good at it and I think even the gulls knew this.
We explained the plan to him and he began to get excited.."ill sort out them dogs he said" and punched himself in the face 2 or 3 times.
He rushed into the house and put on his shell suit and 9crt gold and after waving to his girlfriend and kissing his car goodbye jumped on the bus.
What he lacked in IQ he made up with bragging and wanton violence.

We now had little IQ but menance and little thought, we were off to pick up Pile.
TBC
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« Reply #27 on: June 04, 2012, 03:34:35 PM »

that's so funny, it could almost be me monkey mick sshhh
Bless!
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flonk of the galactic fed
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« Reply #28 on: June 04, 2012, 03:36:47 PM »

Spluffy went full steam ahead to Stockton to pick pile up, he was lost in Stockton but he was sure with a bit of luck he would catch pile down Oxbridge.
Oxbridge a mainly deprived area who mostly drank from the lake at Ropner park, the ducks had long been eaten, spluffy seemed bemused... most of the white lines on the road had disappeared and had obviously been snorted by the locals.
Pile was an unassuming man nobody seemed to know him in the area, a middle aged woman was wandering around nosing and began asking what we wanted" we are looking for a bloke called pile" ron stuttered out..." I know everyone in these parts ..but it will cost you a bottle of vodka" she replied.
We had no vodka but offered Rids meths..she moaned on but eventually took it and pointed to the park.
We eventually found pile asleep in the bushes, he slept in the park but went to the Library during his waking hours...pile was on board and immediatly began chatting mick about the moon.

We then set off for Notts... we arrived in nottinghamshire and found his gaff, as we pulled into his street we noticed most of the windows had been put through and there was a bike tyre over the lamp,
a pair of clackers were hanging from the telephone cables.
We knocked on the door and it swung open... all the walls and doors seemed like someone had punched holes in them and we looked in the first room...there must have been 20 smashed pc monitors strewn around the floor.
He came howling like a banshee windmilling... it took all of us to control him and pin him down.
A while past and we had no option but to put a straight jacket on him ..fortunately mick had brough his clean one as his other one was in the wash...Boy did notts have anger management problems.

We chucked him on the bus and set off..the whole street seem to cheer as we drove out..strange that?

And so we set off for London..or as harry would say the smoke and to pick up steve, and then after that Bill would be last.... can anybody imagine being stuck on a bus for hours with Bill? there was a general agreement or an unwritten rule or something.
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dick dastardly
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« Reply #29 on: June 04, 2012, 03:37:26 PM »

that's so funny, it could almost be me monkey mick sshhh
Bless!

Don't give the game away, you twat oleary
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« Reply #30 on: June 04, 2012, 03:48:52 PM »

some people need to get out  charles

i left oxbridge in 1991  mcl
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« Reply #31 on: June 04, 2012, 04:35:39 PM »

some people need to get out  charles

i left oxbridge in 1991  mcl

La di da
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flonk of the galactic fed
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« Reply #32 on: June 04, 2012, 04:43:01 PM »

Lenin had been at sea while when a passing korean OBO ship bound for Teesport  threw him a line,  after several gestures from lenin they refused to let him onboard but would toe him back.
It was a cold that last night but he kept himself warm with thoughts of internet friends and the welcome he would receive... he ate his last boot before nooding off.

Meanwhile the bus headed south to London and Ron was explaining his favourite litrature to Harry Harry had never read a newspaper never mind a book and he may as well have been speaking french "why dont you shut the fxxk up" and dropkicked him. Harry settled down in his seat " books and papers dont shine like Ratners window" he mumbled "and you cant wash and polish them either"

There was people with problems  as the bus sped along the motorway..Ridsdale foot had become that badly infected he began thinking he was james Murdoch and constantly said he couldnt recall that conversation...again Harry dropkicked him.
By 3am Notts had stopped frothing at the mouth and had passed out.

London town beckons.. now to find steve.

As dawn broke spluffy noticed a Yellow BMW following.

TBC
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« Reply #33 on: June 04, 2012, 05:14:30 PM »

Timing and brevity
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flonk of the galactic fed
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« Reply #34 on: June 04, 2012, 05:21:59 PM »

Lenin woke up to find himself in Teesport, he thought it was a old korean who helped him from his raft,
"thank you Korean man" he replied.."Im not Korean Im japanese"  said the old man..Did you fight in the war?..Yes I did I was Kamikaze pilot my code name was chowmein.
I thought Kamikaze pilots commited suicide ?

no I was chicken chowmein.

Lenin gathered his janitorial tools and bare foot set off for middlebrough town centre.

The bus was being followed and spluffy sprang into action taking the a roads and the b roads, eventually the Yellow BMW skidded off the road at a tight bend.... they didnt look back and parked up further down the road.
After a while the curiosity got the better and they thought they might take a look to see if he was alright. As they approached there was two fire engines an ambulance and an emergency hairdresser.
They gazed out of the bus windows to see PP on his feet although a little shaken.

The merry gang drove off chuckling into the distance.

Finally the bus pulled up in London and they began their search for Steve, Guyguy  led the way holding up the balloons as so the others didnt lose him.
As they wandered about looking in pubs they saw a face they recognised..yes it was fat rick the discotech!

TBC
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« Reply #35 on: June 04, 2012, 06:32:10 PM »

some people need to get out  charles

i left oxbridge in 1991  mcl

La di da

I moved away from the north east to sample somewhere different.

I done that for nearly twenty years and returned 18 months ago.
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« Reply #36 on: June 04, 2012, 10:51:32 PM »

I was wrong, this place is fucking brilliant, comedy gold  jc
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« Reply #37 on: June 05, 2012, 07:08:51 AM »

Flonk that is brilliant...I cannot wait for the next extract. jc
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« Reply #38 on: June 05, 2012, 02:45:27 PM »

some people need to get out  charles

i left oxbridge in 1991  mcl

La di da

I moved away from the north east to sample somewhere different.

I done that for nearly twenty years and returned 18 months ago.

Glad to be back? You back in the Stockton area? Id love to do some travelling next year but id be silly to quit my job in the current climate
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« Reply #39 on: June 05, 2012, 03:25:48 PM »

Great thread, similar to the kris Akabusi stories (if you've not read them let me know and i'll post em) in quality but only us feckers would know what hes on about.  jc monkey
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« Reply #40 on: June 05, 2012, 09:39:05 PM »

yeah glad to be back kris.

i've been to places not people have had the opportunity to go to and loved it all but home is where the heart is and all that cack  charles
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« Reply #41 on: June 06, 2012, 09:54:30 AM »

flar's got his passwords mixed up.
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« Reply #42 on: June 06, 2012, 10:00:24 AM »

I know I have not felt this tense since waiting for the next episode of Eldorado.

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flonk of the galactic fed
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« Reply #43 on: June 06, 2012, 08:43:10 PM »

Lenin eventually reached the outskirts of the town centre, so far he had only recognised a few landmarks the tranny... as he reached the railway station he noticed club bongo, ahh memories of his mother who was a dance teacher there, she worked hard during his early life.. teaching all hours and sometimes not returning until daybreak.

His early life was idyllic he was often given a tanner and asked to go to the shops by numerous uncles while they were taught to dance.Everything seemed perfect until the day mr akbar moved in as head of the household and the faithful morning he was left a note, they had gone.
This seemed to be a recurring theme in his life..people just done one

Yes homeless with  only a shilling to his name he was fortune enough for a kindly janitor from the municipal toilets and washrooms to adopt him, and it was there he learnt his trade and he worked damn hard to master it.
Yes fond memories of counting the Izal loo paper and  Omo washing powder, and the guvvies washing old men from the home... it was a tough but good foundation and it was why he was so loveable in his opinion.
He recognised the town hall but was bewildered at the cleveland centre....people had began to stare at his attire and he suddenly felt nervous and dashed inside a  phone box and after spending 20 mins inside a crowd had gathered outside.. a passing policeman eventually tapped on the window
"you out of there now"
Lenin pulled up his pants and pushed past  the crowd saying" I wouldnt use that the chain doesnt work"
The PC tried to arrest him but somehow managed slip his grasp and hotfooted it outta there.

He ran for what seemed like an age and eventually found a refuge.... it was an old disused morgue which had been shut for a long long time, he thought for some hours he was alone there but then heard mumbling and whining.... he peeked and adjusted his eyes in the gloomy room and saw a face he recognised..it was........










 Bill the old town mortician..who had been made redundant a long long time ago.



TBC
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« Reply #44 on: June 06, 2012, 08:45:47 PM »

Quote
Bill the old town mortician..who had been made redundant a long long time ago.
charles charles charles charles
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flonk of the galactic fed
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« Reply #45 on: June 06, 2012, 11:01:27 PM »

Meanwhile in London the lads had gathered around Rick, "Can you take us to see steve"
Rick smiled the gap in his teeth mirrored the gap between his ears,He had been in London for quite a while, ever since the pie and pea scandal at the eston labour club when he was almost run out of town. only five records had survived from his collection of nine due to a quick gettaway, and nobody seemed interesting in dancing in London, nothing compared to the packed c'mon eileen dance floors of east cleveland.
He tried the ace up ... Agadoo .. all of a sudden Ridsdale shot across the dance floor arms wagling, the sacking on his left foot flailing as he slid across the floor.....he then flopped on his back in a break dance style and seem to go into convulsions.  It wasnt until mick shouted hes having a fit, that ridsdale bellowed...crrrrrraaaamp oooo ya bastaaaard.

Ricks heart sank ... he was never going to make it  and reached into his haversack and took out a family sized pork pie and guzzled it down.
So rick undone his snake belt packed up his speaker and decided to take the lads to see steve.



Tommorow did the mortuary experiment gone wrong cost Bill his job?
And who was Harrys father?
TBC

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« Reply #46 on: June 07, 2012, 12:12:49 AM »

 jc jc jc

Great stuff fella..

Regards
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« Reply #47 on: June 08, 2012, 06:09:10 PM »

Hmmmm Plaz appears.......Flonk disappears...What you done with him Plaz    monkey :beer:
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"Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm."
Ganja_man
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« Reply #48 on: June 08, 2012, 09:02:42 PM »

So am I the one who drives a bus ?


I actually drive a Peugeot 208, but maybe spluffy is splendidstuff. Either way a free bus is handy.

Your a funny guy flonk.  :bc:
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